In 1988 my first daughter was stillborn at 40+ weeks. Devastated by this tragedy, I thought I had surely "paid my dues" in life only to learn in 1996 that I had late 2nd stage breast cancer at the age of 37. I opted to have a modified radical mastectomy with a TRAM Flap reconstruction (tummy tuck!!). I did 4 months of chemo at that time and finished just in time to celebrate my (second) daughter's 6th birthday. Life went back to normal during the years to follow until that dreaded phone call in 2002 that my numbers were up... then down... then up. They scanned and watched for the next few months until the PET Scan in October 2003 revealed lymph nodes lighting up in the chest and neck area. I began a series of weekly chemo treatments for the next six months - eventually losing my finger nails, toenails, and some of my hair from the meds. After a two month reprieve, I began the Herceptin treatments every three weeks.Since then, I have had 2 more recurrences. I lost both vocal cords because of the tumors pressing on the nerve in the chest, changed treatment drugs here and there and then underwent six weeks of radiation therapy in the city in 2006. I took the hour long train ride into the city each day by myself, in awe of the winter wonderland unfolding around me. I stopped working for just a few months when the traveling and radiation took their toll on me. Earlier this year, they told me scar tissue from the radiation most likely caused Horner's Syndrome, causing my left eye to look half closed (it's a great look!). I continue on my Herceptin and Faslodex treatments every three weeks, knowing full well there is an arsenal of drugs available as I need them. We have come so far since 1996 when I was first diagnosed! During the recurrences, my marriage fell apart and my divorce became final in 2005. While going through treatments, I had to sell my house, pack up my children and move to a place where we could find happiness on our own.
Please DO NOT mistake my story for a complaint, for it is not. It is a lesson. I have taught my children that no one is promised an easy or fair life. Through adversity, one must learn to see the beauty and good in everything. Even the most beautiful rose can have thorns, but it doesn't diminish the beauty of the rose. Through all of these events, I have not lost sight of my faith in God, of how blessed I've been to have the love and support of my family and friends. I have been so fortunate to have excellent doctors and nurses throughout all of this. I try to find something to laugh at each day, even if it's laughing at myself. My smiling face would never reveal the road I've traveled. (Ok, maybe the cockeyed eye and strange voice would give me away.... LOL) Right now, I'm continuing with my treatments every three weeks- until the heart gets too weak to stay on the Herceptin- then it's back to the war chest.
One of my doctors once told me to view this as a boxer going into the ring. Every now and then the bell will ring, and I will have to get back into that ring to fight the fight of my life - again. In between the rounds, I'm going to do everything I can to be stronger, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I'm going to wake each day thanking God for bringing me this far. I'm just a single mom trying to make ends meet. I have two children I love very much and who I know love me. My daughter is going off to college this year and I'm learning to deal with the emotional (and financial) changes. I thank God for bringing me this far along my journey - to be able to see her enter the next phase of her life is one of the best gifts I've been given. If I had a chance to redo my life from 1996 and opt out of having cancer, I wouldn't do it. This has been an experience that has shaped my life in so many ways. I truly appreciate my life and do not take one day for granted. I have learned to believe that no matter how bad a situation may seem, one must learn to see the good that will come out of it. I am proud to be a survivor - for each day we live, we are true survivors!
Pennington, New Jersey
5 comments:
I love you so much Aunt Kathy, YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO ME, I HOPE TO BE THE WOMEN YOU ARE!!! You are a wonderful Mother, Daughter, Sister and Aunt. You go above and beyond for everyone never showing any pain. I love you and pray everyday for you. You have had to deal with a lot of pain in your life but you have done it and never complained. You are truly and inspiration!
Kathleen from NJ:
Your story was exceptionally well written and it truly moved me. My sister had a very similar case of cancer and I will be sure to have her read your story. Thank you for your inspirational insight and display of great courage. I am sure it will make her feel better knowing she is not alone fighting such a terrible disease. You are obviously a very strong person and clearly an excellent writer as well!! Your family is lucky to have you.
Kathleen is my sister, best friend and my Hero. I have personally witnessed her continued display of courage and faith through out her illness. She has taught me to never take anything for granted and to appreciate every moment spent with family as a precious gift from God.
I am a nurse and have witnessed multiple interactions between my sister and physicians, nurses and technicians. To all my fellow health care professionals, PLEASE NEVER under estimate the positive impact you can have on patients and their families with simple acts of compassion such as a smile or encouraging words. These acts of kindness truly make all the difference to a patient fearing every test result.
I will never understand in this lifetime why my sister has had so many burdens. She has never once asked, "Why Me?" or complained. She has approached every aspect of her journey with unbelievable strength; even when sick and weakened by treatments, she wore beautiful vibrant scarves and a gorgeous wig!
Kathleen's example has dramatically strengthened our family circle. We will always be there for her every step of the way.
I love you Kath, Pat
Although it may seem cliche, my mom really is my hero. I've watched her go through life, whether in good times or bad, with and positive outlook on life and unwavering confidence in her doctors, her family, my brother and i, and herself. To me this is truly remarkable because i don't know if could be that strong day after day. Being her daughter has been so wonderful, i can only hope to be half as strong and confident as she is. Growing up i would sometimes hear,"Oh you look just like your mom" or "You really are your mother's daughter!". (As any young kid can tell you this can sometimes be very awkward or embarrassing to hear from my moms friends or complete strangers!). This still happens to this day but my reaction has most certainly changed;I'm honored to be compared to her. She has has taught me that life isn't always perfect but with with hope, love and ALOT of laughter we can enrich our lives and daily experience so that they are the best they can be. Laughter, Love and Family really are the greatest medicines.
I'll always be there for you.
I love you mom!
Lauren
I am so proud of my daughter, Kathleen McHugh. When her first baby Kaitlyn was dead at birth, I thought nothing bad could ever happen to her again. But, it did.... she was diagnosed with breast cancer after having two more children a few years later. All through her battle with this disease, she was the ONE who was always the strongest!
As her Mom, I begged God to please spare her this terrible ordeal and instead, let it be me, please!
She would constantly say "For everything that happens, only God knows the reason.... trust in Him." She did everything possible to get well.
First, the breast removal with complete reconstruction from her abdomen. Next, she had her ovaries removed to ward off a reoccurence... she did whatever it took to recover!
When she lost her hair twice through chemo and her fingernails and toenails through radiation, her vocal chords paralyzed as well as one eyelid "drooped" she still always managed to smile and say "Trust in God, Mom."
She fought so hard, never gave up, always waiting for "tomorrow to be better." During this time, she also endured a divorce, but still became even more determined to recover because she wanted to live to raise her children.
Now, eleven years later and twice in remission, she still has that incredible courage and spirituality.
I look at her and marvel at her strength, courage, compassion and determination. She truly exemplifies an implicit love and trust in God. I am profoundly proud of her and love her with all my heart.
Love,
"Her Mom"
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