Carol's Story

Hi, my name is Carol and I was diagnosed with breast cancer in August 2006. I wish there was a quick way to tell my story, I really tried but it isn't possible. I will try to only put in the largest details of the hardest year of my life.

I have had fibroid tumors removed three different times in the last twenty five years. Every time I got one I thought it was all over till the lumpectomy was done proving it wasn't. I always thought that if anyone ever told me I had cancer I wouln't need to worry about it because I would drop dead of a heart attack. That is not what happened. I had always been good at getting my mamograms on time every year. I had trouble with cysts also. I would allways worry. My doctor treated me like I was a hysteric and worry wort. He told me that cancer felt hard and imovable and did not hurt. A cyst hurt and wobbled when you pressed it with your fingers.

I eventually relaxed and went with this infor for the last 20 years.I took early retirement from Delta Airlines in 2002 to persue a career in art.I think the thing that made it really easy for me to get regular mamograms was that Delta had a bus come out every year and nurses did our mamograms for us on our lunch hour. When I retired this stopped and I got very busy painting.

The fall of 2004 my uncle got lung cancer. He was a heavy smoker and my mother and sister took turns taking care of him that winter.I think that is the first time I missed getting my mamo.He died that spring. The fall of 2005 my mother had to have open heart surgery so my sisters and I took turns taking care of her tell she was able to take care of herself. My father had passed away in 1998.This is the second time I forgot to get a mamogram. I found what I thought was a cyst in my left breast at this time. I didn't worry about it because I was sure it was a cyst. It wobbled, it hurt, and there was no history of breast cancer on either side of my family.My mother got well but that spring 2006 she was able to move into a better house. My sisters and our husbands spent everyday from The end of March to the end of May remodeling it to make it her little dream home.

During this time I was very tired but I chalked that up to working so hard on the house. I also didn't feel right. I couldn't put my finger on it but I had a feeling of not being well.The work finally done I had an Alaskan cruise with my husband planned for the end of June. I thought I would go to the doctor when I got back. I thought if this was another fibrous tumor I didn't want to have it removed before I left. I put it off till the middle of August.They did a mamogram then the radiologist wanted another look with an ultrasound.I laid there not worrying about anything and then he said I think this is cancer. I couln't believe my ears. I said how can you tell that.What are the chances it is versus it isn't. He said he was 95 pct sure it was. He did a needle biopsy. I just felt numb with disbelief. A single tear rolled down my cheek but I didn't cry.I had an odd sense that everything would be all right even if he was correct.

I called my mother and told her and she cried. Everyone I called cried. I'm the one who ended up consoling them.I decided right then that crying or feeling sorry for myself was not an option. I would only do and say things that were going to help me. After all what was the ulternative. I was going to need all my energy to fight this. Crying gave me a headache and sinus infection. I didn't need that on top of cancer. If something in no way helped especially if it in some way hurt it just put it away from me.

Orignally the tumour was thought to be the size of a very small pea and I would be in the early part of stage one. An MRI was done and the tumor was actually the size of a golf ball but it was thought that I was probably still technically in stage one. I had a great surgeon. He said we were going to do a new treatment that they have been having really good success in Italy.

First we would do chemo them surgery not the other way around as usual.He said that by doing chemo first they could tell if the chemo was actually working. If the chemo worked it would destroy the tumor or shrink it and then a lumpectomy could be done instead of a mastectomy. With a five year course of an estrogen blocker the chances of recurrance was only about 1 percent more with a lumpectomy over mastectomy.

His positive attitude was infectious ok I was feeling good. I went out and bought a wig that looked exactly like my hair. I knew it would be easier now than waiting till my hair was allready gone.My mother and I made plans on how she would stay with me and take care of me and go to all my appointments. My husband traveled for work at least once a week but was usually only gone one day.

Then two weeks after my diagnoses, the Saturday before Labor day my mother died of a brain hemorage. I was out to dinner with my husband when we got the call. We rushed to the hospital and were told that she was brain dead and no hope of recovery. Because it was the holiday weekend they were short staffed and had her put on a life flight helicopter to a bigger hospital. When we got there we were all told again that there was no possibility she would ever wake up. She was only living at the moment because of the life support machine. She had made a living will a couple of years before and put me down as executor. She told me under no circumstances was I to allow her to be kept on life support if it came to that. She said she gave the job to me because she thought I would be the strongest and she trusted me to do it. Was she crazy? What made her think I'm strong. I think I'm scared of everthing. A coulple of people in the family thought maybe we should give it a week or a month maybe the doctors are wrong. What if they are wrong. I signed the papers but I didn't allow them to turn off the machine till everyone had a chance to have a private goodby.She died about 20 minutes after they turned the machine off.

The following Saturday was the funeral. I was nervous because my sons fiance went into labor that morning. He was really a nervous wreck. He had to leave before the service started to go to the hospital. My friends organized a beautiful luncheon for after the funeral but my husband and I had to eat and run because we didn't want to miss our first grandbaby being born. That night Annie Leigh was born. Between grief and joy I don't think my body knew what to do. My mother wanted so bad to see that baby. She made quilts and blankets all summer. I think thats when I just went into auto pilot.

Two days later my port was put in my chest. It was outpatient surgery but the anesthisia made me very nauseous.I was sick all night. I thought how am I ever going to get through chemo. I'd rather have extreme pain than nausea. Its the one thing that really puts me away. I prayed for the strength to do what I had to do to get through this.One week later they started putting the red devil my veins.

My husband was wonderful. He insisted on going to all my treatments with me since my mother couldn't be with me.I could see it really bothered him to see the red poison going into me. A friend who went through this said it upset her really bad. She thought about how it was killing her blood cells and how poisonous it was. I decided to look at it as in this case poison was good. It was my friend it was killing the cancer. My blood cells could be delt with using Neulasta.It could all be delt with.I concentrated on doing everything they told me to do to keep the side effects down.

Ten days later I woke up in the morning and there was a clump of hair on my pillow. I touched my hair and it was coming out by the handful. My son said he wanted to shave my head when the time came so I called him to come over and do it. He suddenly chickened out. I thought I don't want to be picking up hair all over the house so I took the dog clippers and went out on the deck and buzzed it all off. I looked at the strange new me in the mirror and I surprisingly didn't think I looked that bad. I put my wig on and that was that. People who saw me that winter would say isn't it nice you didn't loose your hair.

My friends gave me soft, warm, comfy lounging pajamas and that is what I lived in. After the first treatement I could not feel the tumor any longer. The doctor couldn't believe it. A chip had to be put in so that when the surgery was done the doctor would know what area to take out.I got the sores in my mouth but managed them pretty well by doing what I was told. They never got unbearable. I didn't get the dereaded nausea either, however I got a really bad case of acid reflux which they said was a form of nausea. It really hurt and was very unpleasant but hey didn't I say I'd rather do anything even pain over nausea?

The Monday before Thanksgiving I was opening a jar and a horrible pain went up my arm. I looked down and it was purple. I went to the emergency room and they found I had a blood clot that went to my lung. I spent that week in the hospital. My luck was that I was put in a room that was right outside the life flight helicopter pad. I thought about my Mom and tried to stop the tears. I refused to die like this all alone listening to that thing land every half hour. I couldn't believe how often it was used.I didn't sleep all night so I slept all the next day.

Thanksgiving was postponed till I got home. The first one with Annie. Besides cancer another thing I'm terrified of is needles. Wouldn't you know that know because of the blood clot I have to give myself a shot in the stomach every day for two weeks. I can't stand anyone else to give me a shot I can't do this. For two days I drive 25 min each way to have a nurse give me the shot. This was a big inconvenience so I had them show me how.The funniest thing anyone has seen is the first time I had to stab myself in the stomach. I screamed, then looked up and said, oh that wasn't so bad.It was actually easier for me to do it than someone else. Needles no longer bother me.

Another lucky thing to come out of this. During this time on one of my good days I painted a pine china hutch in my kitchen white. No one could believe I had the strength to do that, but it made me happy. I felt like I bought a new piece of furniture. Just before Christmas I had my surgery. The tumor was only the size of a beebee.He got clean margines and my lymph nodes were clean. Hallelujah. The board decided that since the tumor wasn't completey gone, to be safe I need a round of a different chemo in case. My hair was about an inch long and it fell out again. This chemo wasn't quite as bad as the first but different. My finger nails and toe nails turned black, like I was recovering from them being hit with a hammer. They didn't actually fall off so no problem, nail polish and noone could tell.

I was very tired with all of this but all winter I listened everyday to beautiful music, and watched feel good movies. I couldn't do art or read because of the fuzzy brain chemo give you. Also my eyesight was effected and my glasses were no use. I was told not to get new ones for about six months after I was all through because they would get better and I didn't want to get new glasses twice.

May and I start six weeks of radiation. After all the chemo it seemed like a piece of cake. The tiredness was overwhelming and I did get blisters but I was finally done.My hair grew back. I don't think I'll ever grow it long again. I learned life if too short to be spending so much time doing my hair. There are much more important and fun things to do.

July 3 2008 was my one year mark.I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. I appreciate now all the things even the very small ones in my life so much more than I ever did. I realize what is important. My family and spending good quality time with them. The things that used to make me angry no longer do. They seem so unimportant.I look at everything differently.

One thing that happened when my radiation started that was worse to me than the whole cancer thing is, that my son and his fiancee split up. He was davastated. That was harder for me to watch than anything. But my new found positive way of looking at things has paid off there too. We have a good relationship with Annies mom. Custody was worked out to everyones satisfaction.

I'm painting again and have my old enthusiasm back. I've learned no matter how black something looks things will allways get better if you have the right attitude. I hated having cancer, it was really hard but I think it was worth the positive things I gained from it. Someone told me the other day that they thought I was the strongest person they know. They thought I could handle anything. I still don't feel like I'm strong but maybe that is what being strong is. Its not that you don't feel the pain as much as anyone else does you do. But you do what you need to do to get through it you don't buckle and cave.

Don't forget to get your mamograms. If I had gotten my mamograms when I should of it would have saved me lots and lots of agony. Getting detected early I would only have needed a lumpectomy and radiation.That would have been a piece of cake compared to all that chemo.I urge everyone who reads my story to really take this information to heart. Early detection can save your life and save you from being way sicker than you need to be. Also if you have a doctor that does not take any lump you have seriously, get another doctor. If they think it is a cyst it is an easy thing for them to aspirate it to make sure. I have a couple of friends who's doctors thought they had a cyst, tried to aspirate it and found it was not a cyst. When they did a needle biopsy which is also a relatively easy thing to do they found it was cancer. If they would have just assumed it was a cyst another year would have gone by. Another year of growth which could have meant the difference between life and death, or the difference between lumpectomy and mastectomy and radical treatment.You are just as important as everyone else. Take care of yourself so you can be around to take care of the ones you love.