Noreen's Story

What could I possibility write what has had not been written about Breast Cancer so many inspiring stories that that so many of us read and marvel at the person’s courage and strength. My story is a tale of to much reality it really isn’t all pink ribbons and races for the cure it’s about life long side effects from drugs that do allot of harm to our bodies, indifferent Doctors and hospitals the medical issues could go on and on. When you do recover from the cancer treatment society also throws many issues you way background checks that can pick up your illness if you haven’t worked a good bit of the time, no real help from job rehab every government and state agencies saying sorry I Can’t help you.

People who know about your illness, Yes folks I am one of those people who had had cancer more than once either didn’t want to look you in the eyes or they just broke down in tears. I can’t tell you how many old friends that I had to comfort. The funny thing when you are telling them you are ok they kind of want to believe you but they kind of don’t really. How could anyone not have doubts I had them myself, for to many people my illness was their worse nightmare, 37 is pretty young for Breast Cancer.

Later in my journey and talking with others in the breast cancer community I learned many get it even younger there is know certain age for breast cancer it really just isn’t your mother’s disease. The so called safety nets many in the medical community like to talk about like having children, not eating meat, exercising, and on and on don’t really make you immune. Talking with so many women in chat rooms and message boards you do find that out. They seemed betrayed they did all the things told to them still happened. My own thoughts were of course why me? What did I do to deserve this? As more and more things happened I still never got the answer to this.

What do you think when alot of the information doesn’t ring true you might ask? Well this is where the inter voice we all have comes in. I kind of call it a gift from the Creator of us all. I have found that through out my life this inter voice is my protector some would call it angel, the voice of God what ever you want to call it came early to me as you can read from my beginnings.

I was raised in the late sixties the daughter of a carpenter and a stay at home mom the youngest of 4 children. I was a cute Pixie like child who was quiet, imaginative. I dreamed of going to Africa and seeing the great cats. I loved Lions and loved to draw, and loved horses and playing with Barbie's. My sister and I were one year apart in age and shared a room in those early days in our innocence it would take decades to understand what we lived through.

Our father was a angry man, his background is one of violence against others began early in his life, fighting and stealing .He even tried the service for I guess some kind of control but even that didn’t work. This was a man who in his later years would cause such damage to the four children he gave birth to they would live with the scars for many years to come. I recall one event that is very clear still, my father was in a rage screaming and threatening all of us. Especially my mother she had decided to leave and we all went to get into the car. Running out of the house as the motor started came my father screaming at me I was on my mother’s side of the car (we had all the doors locked).He threaten to smash my window with his fist if I didn’t open the door. Now he and my mother started yelling at each other than his fist went throw the driver’s side window.

We all screamed in terror as the window broke into a million pieces. I remember my father stumbling away from the car into the house blood dripping everywhere. Then in our horror our mother gets out of the car and follows him into the house to see if he was ok. Well needless to say 4 children were deathly afraid that their mother was in the house getting killed, this fight was one example of many violent battles. When you are young you almost see your parents as immortal and the idea that one could turn on the other was just too much to handle. We were kids we couldn’t really fight back not like today child abuse really has come along way in 30 years. What I find strange to this day even in the early days I had a little spirit inside of me that could reason and look out for myself I knew something was wrong with him he just wasn’t right.

You might ask yourself what does this have to do with breast cancer? It took me allot of years to understand that even bad can prepare you In life for worst trails .You might think to yourself how much worst can it get than having cancer more than once and a not very good childhood. Well the good news is that my father took of for parts unknown when I was 12. I went to high school and some college and married a great guy. I worked in a factory and retail management for allots of years before my cancer. I was restless never seemed to settle down really we bought a house raised Siberian huskies we choose not to have children. The eighties and nineties were expensive times to live it took every bit of our money to keep our modest home going. We always knew that we loved each other (still do) we worked hard and it seemed to be never enough.

So many broken children grow up to be broken adults they go through their lives never understanding why they do the things that they do. So many of us can’t figure out why things happen too us and why can’t we can’t just enjoy life. For some of us it takes unbelievable changes to wake us! Cancer certainly can do that, it wakes you and shakes you and throws you against the wall. God certainly comes into play here let face it folks chemo is not really a cure but it is the best we have for now. Praying sure does help I had people of all faiths praying for me I figured that everything helps. I had so many warm wishes and kind words it did kind of surprise me. Personally I wasn’t the type of hugging emotional person that alot of people are if you knew me you knew. I was a very good friend.

I wasn’t fake just a bit reserved but kind and good to all. Cancer did change my personality some I would do the things I would never normally do. One funny story was I was doing an art show (yes folks I found My art again) that’s what I went to school for. Now the a woman in the booth near us was walking around this is common in art shows before the customers come in allot of vendors network with others find out about shows etc. Our new friend seemed really upset and than she blurred out to me that she didn’t know why but she just felt she had to tell me about her possible breast cancer diagnose. She was waiting for biopsy results now whether it was divine or not I couldn’t really know for sure. I told her my story of more than one cancer and having stage three cancer and being a survivor at the time of 5 years. We talked I think she felt a little better I gave her a hug and my phone number and told her to call me if she wasn’t ok but and happily she never called me so I am guessing she was ok.

But just chance meetings like that with people now seem to fill my life. I would never have done than before cancer did I care about for people yes more than most but I never would have given of myself so easily. When for a lot of years of your life you emotions are going all over the place you never trust them and you kind of don’t feel the way you should when things happen, this will be true when the cancer rx comes.Now remembering the beginnings of my treatment what could I say about the day? When I was told it was a sad day and believe it or not folks I was told over the phone and than it was the call to the family surgeon. Now what can I say about this man he is a wonderful person I knew him since I was 12 it couldn’t have been easy for him he knew my whole family and my mother worked for friends of his. Now stage 3 cancer is not a good Rx when your surgeon comes to sit on your hospital bed you say to yourself Boy am I in trouble! It seemed so unreal like one of those sad movies on Lifetime TV where the woman is brave and everyone cries. I wasn’t that noble I was mad! He wasn’t going to tell me I was going die!

I want to talk little about stem cell transplants the science was supposedly there that this was a good thing for people to do with not good outcomes. A lot of the doctors don’t tell you that you have a high percentage of not making it through the transplant (this is dangerous stuff). Kind of you have to risk your life so you don’t die of cancer later. Either way you could die talk about your no win situation, what a decision to make. Alot of times I held my breath like a swimmer would jumping off a diving board and take the plunge. Well after 16 days in the hospital and 3 pints of blood later I went home to recover, gain strength and get radiation (and of course go bald again after the stem cell), chemo for 7 days does make you lose your hair again. I certainly understand why men don’t like to get bald. But for men it is sexy, for us women our heads look newborns all grown up. Yes, Wigs are available but have you ever really tried on a wig? I still think wigs are for certain people not all. Trendy gals who love to change their look and don’t have to draw on eyebrows and lashes and have a pale look to there skin no matter how much makeup.

Radiation was an interesting thing to go through you kind of went so is this it? After all the treatments from chemo to surgery this treatment kind of fools you the burns came after about a month and hurt till I was done of course they give you cream but that was about the only thing they did for it. It was more time consuming more than anything was. Meetings with social workers took on an interesting twist Have you ever been told you were too strong? Till this day I never understood that ! My husband had the good sense to look at this person and ask what do you want her to do? Sit in the bed and cry all day? So please know that everyone is different none should tell you how you should feel. What could I do I had so much to deal with besides my own illness Looking back God had to be watching out for me that all I can say about it, if not I think the stress alone would have done most people in.

Other family were also fighting cancer I called them and myself the circle of three. My husband and myself have been in more hospitals in the tri-state area than most. Need to know where a lab is? Is we it a good chance we knew .At least during those years other members of my family could find the right medical offices if they needed to. I became a huge warehouse of cancer knowledge. Between me and the other two members of the circle of three we had 4 different types of cancer not including another 2 family members that would get cancer later. All together I could tell you lot about 6 different types of cancer. All this knowledge was really something I could do without

The emotions of the next couple of years seeing the end for extended family members on my husband’s side was another kind of personal hell that seemed to come my way. When you understand how they feel and you know the end is coming for them and by grace of God that could be you. How are you suppose to feel? I wished so many times for remission for them both prayed made bargains with God to no avail. I could see in their faces they hung on my every word I understood their pain their fight to stay alive. If I told them it was ok it would be ok. A lot times I would lie folks not to be cruel but to give them hope. Then other members of my extended family would get some form of cancer in coming years. I found myself not only dealing with my own cancer but some many others each with different feelings and side effects of their own.

My circle of 3 is now just me, the other two members fought so hard they would want me to go on and live a good life they know where ever they are they weren’t forgotten they have a place in my heart like so many that pass from us. They would want their story to be known they are your fathers your mother’s sisters and brothers average people who lived a quiet, life, good people, who worked hard but left the world to soon for us all.

Life does go on I look back on all the things that happened some good and not so good and wonder what has come from it all. As most spiritual people would tell you God doesn’t give us nothing we can’t handle. Well folks I have had my share and half the town’s share. Writing this almost 8 years later I can recall how I knew the very first day that I was going to fight this off. I have been somewhat successful though I did have a problem with uterine Cancer but I had a good outcome with that too. So many of us get the news you have cancer and we have the choice to fight it off the best we can.

I always thought of my Cancer as liking to the Civil War. Brother again brother so to speak your body fighting off the great evil cells that turned on the good cells. I remember once talking with an artist friend who ask me once this question“ What would I paint on a cast of my body? (She did sculpture) My answer was the battle of Gettysburg because a great emotional and physical battle was fought there. The battle was the turning of the war for the north and the end of a horrible time in history where Americans fought against each other. . I do pray for my own tide in my war, my tide is do, the little spirit in me needs to go on vacation she has been through allot. Well as I end this piece I limp into the sunset bruised, scarred but beaten never beaten just wiser bout life.