Kellie's July Update

I’ve been reading the new Think Pink stories online. Yes, we are part of the “pink sorority.” It seems that there is at least one thing in each story that I can relate to. Age, being “too young” to have breast cancer seems to be a familiar theme, though many of this year’s stories are from women younger than me. Lying on the table after an ultrasound waiting for the opinion of the radiologist, the fear and what if thoughts running through your mind, the small tear that escapes from the corner of your eye. Hearing, “Oh, this is probably nothing to worry about, you’re too young.“ Throwing up after the first chemo treatment, and not just once or twice, six times for me. Losing parts of yourself, a breast, sometimes two, hair, eyelashes and eyebrows, fingernails, and sleep. And one of the most difficult challenges of cancer is the children, your children, my children, our children.

Many of the Think Pink stories are from women with small children, children they were no longer able to hold or care for in the way they once did. I sadly can relate to this, though as I watched Parker asleep in his crib, I realized that I am very grateful for his extra small size. He’s now 26 months and probably weighs around 23 pounds. He’s in between sizes, but wears about a 12 month, not quite to an 18. He has three, one-year-old girl cousins, and they are all about the same size. Parker is still a “baby” in a lot of ways but also a 2 year old in some ways. It just means that I get to enjoy some of that time I missed out on while having treatments, surgeries, and recovering afterward.

And Porter, my life would not be nearly as interesting if he wasn’t in it. In the car today, Porter was asking his usual million questions. The topic this time was age. “Mom, how old will you be when I’m 50?” 78 “Mom, when I’m 16 you won’t be the boss of me anymore, right?” No, that would be when you’re 18. “Will you always be my mom?” Always. “Mom, can you get married when you‘re 22?” “I suppose so, I was 21.” “Mom, when will you die?” I hope not for a very long time. “When will I die? Will I get in an crash? I don’t want to.” I don’t want you to either.

And the conversation goes on, and on, and on…. Death and sex, the two topics parents would rather not discuss with their children, and if they had to choose which one was worse, I think death might win out. It has become easier to talk about death with Porter, with anyone, because it’s become honest. I feel that I have to be honest with Porter, and I can do that by saying when he asks questions about death., “I hope I don’t die for a long, long, time,” or “I don’t know when that’s going to happen.” But it still makes me uncomfortable.

Recently, more than any other time that I can remember through this whole cancer having/fighting event in my life, I have been obsessing on the “what ifs.” What I mean by the “what ifs” center around the big “What if I don’t make it?” I’ll dwell on that for a couple of days, feel some anxiety, be nervous, then bam! The next day I feel invincible again and think “What was I thinking!” It’s been a little tougher for me mentally than it has been. Maybe it’s because things are winding down, I’m not in the throes of a battle any longer, though really, I’ll be battling this disease the rest of my life. Maybe it’s this surgical menopause that I’m now in and my body is just out of whack. Maybe it’s being off the anti-depressant, or a combination of any or all of the above. But I must say, that looking back over the past year, in spite of all the challenges, it was probably one of my best years ever. I can say that now.

I can also say that we in the “pink sorority” share some positive things as well. A new found love and appreciation for almost everything. A profound gratefulness for all those who are a part of our lives. More patience and understanding than ever before. A front row seat to the amazing compassion and care that are in all people, especially the people who care for us. An enjoyment out of each moment, an ability to live more in the present than ever before. I have come to see how the difficulties that are attached to life’s events, rewards you with an enjoyment you would not have known otherwise.

Please, continue to do your breast self-exams, in spite of the recent stories in the media about how they do not make a difference. You can go to http://www.dslrf.org/endingbc/content.asp?L2=1&L3=2&SID=279, and read an article from Dr. Susan Love (breast cancer guru) for clarification on that subject.