Have you ever thought you were “all that?” Untouchable? Invincible? On top of the world? That’s how I felt on my wedding day. I was a successful single mother and Houston entrepreneur with several major awards under my belt, a 2006 Ebony magazine top bachelorette and had reconnected with my college sweetheart after a sixteen year hiatus. Yes, I was finally getting married after a string of painful relationships at the age of 35 and ready to live happily ever after.
As I flip through my wedding album, all of the details are a blur. I don’t notice the flowers or the detailed cake. What I cherish is the genuine smile on my face which reflects the love in my heart for so many things- life, my husband, my daughter, my family and friends. Dazzling in my strapless wedding gown, little did I know I had breast cancer. Ironic isn’t it? I look so happy while cancer was dwelling inside me.
I never would have imagined that I would grow up to have breast cancer. When I first noticed the marble sized lump under my armpit area eight months prior to my wedding day (August 2006), I dismissed it as a swollen lymph gland as a result of a sinus infection. Life went on while the tumor grew. I found every excuse not to go to the doctor. My grandmother had breast cancer so I knew that there may be a slight likelihood that I would have it but I convinced myself that Superwoman doesn’t get cancer.
Shortly after my honeymoon, my husband urged me to go to the doctor to determine the cause of the lump which was beginning to get bigger. Within four days of seeing the doctor, I was diagnosed with Stage III A breast cancer on April 24th, 2007. I had a lumpectomy and axillary lymph node dissection with 16 positive lymph nodes. Due to the positive nodes, chemotherapy would be a treatment option. The thought of chemotherapy was terrifying to me. I had always had a headful of beautiful long hair which was highly prized in the Black community. I couldn’t imagine being bald and taking my new husband through the negative cosmetic changes.I’m going to get real shallow here. From the moment of my diagnosis, losing my hair was one of my greatest concerns.
After much research and consideration, I opted for 4 cycles of chemotherapy which consisted of taxotere, cytoxan and epirubicin. My hair began to fall out about twenty days after my first treatment. One day while driving, I got a wave of courage and drove to the nearest salon. I decided it was time to empower myself and just shave my head. It was falling out daily and was matted and dry. To my surprise, I didn’t shed one tear in the chair. The big picture was extending my life; hair couldn’t rob me of that.
Since the thought of losing my hair was so frightening to me in the early stage, I went on a Houston, Texas community affairs program completely bald to show viewers that being bald wasn’t so bad and what the result of chemotherapy looked like. I even shared home video of my hair falling out to help other women facing this medical challenge. For a former Texas beauty queen, this took a lot of courage.
As I celebrate my one year “cancerversary”, I realize that God was holding my hand the entire journey. He gave me strength and courage when I needed it and he broke me down so I could grow strong with Him again. I also realize the meaning of true beauty and it isn’t based on external features.
There are days that I get down about the loss of my long hair. I will see a shampoo commercial and wish for longer locks. I may flip through a fashion and beauty magazine and notice that most celebrities, even men, have long, flowing hair these days. But then, I think about why my hair is short and the feeling of sadness goes away. I’m still here! Nothing is better than that.
I never heard my 13 year old daughter say to me that she was proud of me, despite my numerous accomplishments, until I showed her my bald head. She gave me the biggest hug and I knew that it would be ok.
You never truly move on from cancer. The possibility of recurrence always lurks around the corner. Sadly, while writing this book, several people I know have been diagnosed with a recurring cancer. I wonder when and if my time will come. Until them, I will maximize each day and each experience.
My scars are a daily reminder of how far I have come. You can put it out of sight and mind for the moment but you never forget what you have been through and how hard you had to fight on the journey.
My outer perceived beauty was not who I really was. I had a genuine spirit just fighting to come out. In order for me to grow, I had to know true sacrifice. In order to truly know God’s power, I had to feel powerless.
As I look back over how quickly the last year has passed, I realize how much I have grown as a person. I also realized that not everyone in my circle has grown; and that circle is getting smaller. I appreciate life more, don’t take anything for granted, enjoy the simple things in life and I enjoy life to the fullest.I am forever humbled by this experience and hope to share my testimony with other young patients someday.
Cancer doesn’t care if you are all that and a bag of chips. Cancer doesn’t care at all.
My name is Crystal and I am a breast cancer survivor.
No comments:
Post a Comment