I’m scared, and this is why. I had my first regular annual exam with a new gyno recommended to me by my oncology nurse. This was just last Wednesday. It did not go "routinely." She found what she thought was a fibroid in my uterus, and ordered an ultrasound which I had the next day. Leaving the doctor's office, I was flooded with emotion. I cried, for the first time in I can't remember how long. Hearing what I did during the exam made me feel scared, anxious, angry. After my initial meltdown, I returned to work and resumed my regular activities, but felt drained and nervous all night. Thursday night I had a dream that my hair was falling out again, in spiky clumps. I was trying to hide the holes it left and then started looking for my wig. Did I say dream? More like a nightmare.
The ultrasound showed that I didn't have a fibroid in my uterus, but a cyst in my left ovary. This gave me some relief, but I knew the real relief wouldn't come until after I got the full report from the doctor. I was hoping to hear from her today, so I wouldn't have to worry about it all weekend. I did hear from her today, and it wasn't exactly the report I was hoping for, and I'm still left worrying. The cyst is not a simple cyst, it is multi-chambered. Sound familiar? This is very similar to what I was told about the tumor in my breast. Because of my medical history, the doctor wants to be cautious and really check things out. So on Monday I go in for a blood test that will determine if I have the marker for ovarian cancer. Of course, as the doctor says, this is to rule that scenario out. And then I have a follow up ultrasound in 6-8 weeks to make sure that the cyst goes away.
That’s why I’m scared. I don't want to have to go through the what ifs, if I can avoid them. I don't want to have to question my ability to do again what I did last summer. I don't want to have to think about losing more body parts and being incapacitated from chemo treatments. But I can’t help myself. I’m feeling a little lost right now, and weak. I know that I shouldn’t worry unless I have to, but….
In the meantime, life goes on. It always goes on and I hope that it will go on with me in it. Porter turns eight next weekend. We have been and will be preparing for his party. Parker is still tiny, over 17 pounds now, but still in 9-12 month clothing. Clint just got back from Cancun, a “work” trip, and unfortunately had to watch his Patriots lose the Super Bowl. I’m loving work and have the most fantastic student teacher working with me until Spring Break.
I wasn’t planning on the update I just gave. I was going to talk about my hair and how I actually had my first haircut. And that I actually look pretty good with short hair. I’ve received lots of compliments and encouragement to keep it short. I was also going to talk about the expanders in my chest and what it’s like to go to fill ups and how it feels to have Barbie boobs (no nipples). How Brenda and I went to try on bras to figure out what size I’m currently at and what size I want to be. I wanted to tell you how I was finally beginning to feel distance between THEN and NOW.
I definitely won’t wait a month to update you on my current situation. As I know, so will you.
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5 comments:
After everything you have gone through, of course you would still feel anxiety at any exam. I am sure everyone is telling you this but you are a very strong woman and no matter what you will make it through. I for one am a better person for knowing you and your family. :)
Kelly, you have shown incredible strength through the challenges in your life. Just remember that you don't have to hold up that strength all by yourself... you have many people around you who are there for you during these difficult times, including those of us at For Every Body. We all have you in our prayers.
Kelly, I know this is a difficult time,but as Winston Churchill said, "If you are going through hell, keep going." You have been given more than your share of challenges, and it may not be much comfort right now to tell you that your spirit and endurance in the face of them is an inspiration to all of us who have endured or are watching a loved one endure a similar challenge. You inspire us to believe that perhaps we can rise close enough to your level to triumph as you have so far. My husband and I likened it once to treading water in the ocean--you try to keep your head above water and wait for the next wave to hit. Then you go under for a bit, but always you bob back up and keep going. Eventually rescue comes, and when it does, you marvel at what the human spirit is able to rise above. I have a friend who, after going through two bouts of cancer said she would not treat it if it came back--she just couldn't face it again. But it did, and she did, and once through it, she is glad she did. You can do whatever you have to--you are that strong!
Kellie,
I have no idea what you are going through but I want you to know that you are in my prayers. I wish you and your family the strength to get through this.
God bless you and your family.
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